Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Interview With Victim IV

What is your name?

I'm just one of the little ones in the Amendment family. My nickname used to be "Privacy", but Albert convinced me that made no sense. Just call me Four.

Albert would be this so-called therapist they brought in to interrogate you?

Yes, he helped me see that I was being delusional, just thinking that vague shapes and shadows were solid objects. He called them "penumbras", and made me see they were imaginary.

Didn't he take your papers, bug your phone, read your email, gag you, shackle you, and do repeated full body-cavity searches?

Oh, no, Albert would never do that himself. He was always sad when I was bad and had to be reeducated for my own good. All those men in black were just doing their job. They wanted me to get over my insanity just as much as he did.

Why did they keep you locked up?


I was hurting my own country's war on errorists.

You mean terrorists?

No, errorists. See, that's something else Albert helped me to understand. Those people who hate America and try to destroy it aren't really evil, they are just mistaken, and we need to gather them into our gentle hands with love and help them reach their own full potential as human beings by comprehending the mistakes they've been making. I was being an obstacle to their future happiness, by nitpicking over trivial legalities instead of joining in the group love to transform them into good citizens of the world.

Weren't you just insisting upon warrants for searches?

Oh, yes, but Albert showed me how I, too, was being an errorist. I did say, "no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause", sure, but I never said they had to be issued by a judge, did I? Albert showed me how wrong judges are, trying to be objective and neutral, when that makes emotional attachment and love for the people impossible. How could someone, who doesn't allow themselves to feel, know when a person needs to be restrained for their own good? How could a cold thinking machine share the pain of someone foolishly trying to hide part of their life from the minders who love them most? So the best ones to issue the warrants are the very people who already know from their investigations who needs help, including being searched. I'm happy I've gotten past that old mistaken idea of mine.

How long were you kept locked up?

Well, I lost track of time early on, when they began leaving me in the dark all the time. I'm told it's been over four years now, but it doesn't seem that long. However long it took to bring me to my senses is fine with me. I know I'm kind of set in my ways and hard to change. After all, I'm over two hundred years old. But now, without the burden of trying to micromanage law enforcement all over the country, I feel born again. I have a new mission in life -- enabling the spread of the tough love all those errorists need.

Provisional Diagnosis: Stockholm Syndrome, Acute.
Prescription: Lots of sunlight and open air. See if the ACLU has a deprogramming squad.

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